Someone give me back my day…
In the middle of Georgia, waiting. No estimate of when I can be autonomous over my own activities.
FUCK.
Ugh.
my life is a mess
I would’ve been graduating in the Big House, surrounded by friends and strangers in a giant crush.
I don’t really care for the experience, except for that it wouldn’t be what I imagined first entering college.
Hard to decide if that’s a good or bad thing….
I miss the presence of having many, many friends surrounding me. That’s one thing I know will not be the same, even if I do end up going back to school one day.
Being an adult is hard. And lonely.
The first story I wrote was actually a list, ordering the people of priority in Draco Malfoy’s life in a pseudo-diary entry. First and last foray into writing fanfiction myself, largely because the website host took it down, not considering it fiction (it was largely a list consisting of me, me, me…).
I’m surrounded by lists, and I don’t really keep them any more. I have to, sometimes—Facebook gives me all sorts of them to manage, and there’s always a meeting with a list of people needed for attendance. Then shopping lists, cleaning, bills to pay, people to catch up with, shows to watch, books to read, food to eat, food to make, letters to write, emails to send, piling on and on and on….
And then there are the lists I’m on. A lot of email subscription lists, that I’m too lazy to cull (0 inbox to 3000+!) and meeting lists and whatever, and then the lists I’m not on and glad not to be on, like the bitch-to-work-with list or never-delivers list.
I’m on a ‘fight’ list, where two departments both want me for the same level position on each team.
Angry, angry about feeling angry and annoyed at the gall and ridiculous selfishness of a certain person.
Also, learning to be demanding of things I deserve, like respect.
For promises to be fulfilled.
For agreements to be honored.
Appointments kept.
I’m back in Michigan for a precious few days, and I will not be told that I am doling out my time foolishly.
Fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck you.
A lot of people tell me that my job is really cool and that they’re jealous and wish that they could do so too.
In my head, I think “Well, why don’t you go do that?!”
But then I do a fake smile and do an “oh-well”-awkward-trying-to-be-humble-shrug.
When it inevitably is going to happen lots and lots of times this upcoming weekend, I’m going to just say “Thanks.”
I do have a really cool job, and if people really want to get in on the fun, they ought to make that leap themselves instead of half-shaming me for daring to have fun with my life. Ka-pow!
I suppose this is where I put my bad thoughts, but I don’t really want it to be that kind of place here.
Thinking of finding professional help again… we’ll see.
I hate when IM conversations end abruptly because the other person simply leaves.
there was a girl
she yearned for
a great love story
there was a girl
there was a boy
they shared a heart
and broke it together
there is a girl
she spends her days
putting herself together
Physical goal is to lose 35 pounds and be at the lowest healthy BMI threshold for my height. I’ve stuck with my calorie counter for the last three days, and partly because I’m sick and partly because I’ve actually paid close attention to what I’ve been eating, I’ve lost five pounds.
Hair is growing out… scheduling a trimming for next month when I go back to Ann Arbor.
Going to look good, feel good and think good. Yeah.
